If you love someone, set them free, but only in the basement, and only for like 2 hours. Tops.

The first rule of tortillas club is we don’t taco bout it

I don't know who needs to hear this, but mischievous doesn't have 4 syllables.

A kid in my class said his glue stick is “crusty and used up” and I cannot think of a better metaphor for my life.

I don't need your approval. Unless it's covered in nacho cheese, in which case I need it so bad.

I didn't set out to be useless, but here I am, killing it.

When my daughter was 7 years-old she once interrupted a bedtime story to tell me, “In a pie-eating contest, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose because you get to eat pie.” I think about that a lot.

I need a long, tight, consoling hug from a tequila bottle

Alone in a world full of people is a strange feeling.

Tripped and almost fell over an extension cord at work and I’m not even that drunk yet.

The Imperial March from Star Wars has a totally different vibe when played on a kazoo

Quit saying side hustle, you have a part time job

[cooking instructions] "Start by preheating the oven" I can't do that, that's where I keep my pots and pans

Liquor store: We ID everyone. George Washington: *whips out a dollar bill*

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like "This store isn't open yet? It's almost 7am!"

Slowly turning into my grandma with every passing day, not the one who was beautiful and read a book a day, the other one who sometimes let her nose drip right into the cookie batter

Saying your kid is "a ball of energy" is parent code for "annoying little shit."

I'm no expert, but I think Sammy Hagar could drive 55 if he didn't have one foot on the brakes and one on the gas.

This site under construction indefinitely due to NO ONE giving a shit.