I was just reading about how shrimps might feel pain. If this is true it opens up a whole new host of ways to torture shrimp

Cool Self Aware White Guy stand-up opener: Hi everyone, I'm (points to face) the Villain from an 80's ski movie. Yup, I know, it's like, did I just waltz out of the Piece of Shit Asshole factory? I look like a guy who says, "Uh, is being poor a real thing?!"

Guy who invented maps has gotta be the first person to see a tree and be like write that down

person making their profile picture their baby photo: "oh man. people are gonna laugh when they realize I haven't always been big"

If you know, you know.. lol

[at the apple store] ill take an airpod please, and keep em coming [after second airpod] whoa there okay that's enough now

I can't believe there are 6 graduates who have had less sex than me

The app guys are running out of ideas

Call my haters Wallace and Gromit the way they tryna stop my motion

Today I saw a mattress out on the street with a sign taped to it saying “No bugs.” Yeah, like that’s gonna keep ‘em out!

Bro is absolutely not getting in