Folger’s Coffee. $19.72 This was $12.99 a month ago.

One time I got mugged at knifepoint by two guys and I found myself saying, first and foremost, in reaction to seeing the knife, for reasons that are absolutely beyond me, “now hold on a minute there compadre.”

What’s your favorite non-dialogue punchline?

Older generations say “we all struggled in our 20s.” No, you didn’t. You didn’t pay $2,200 for rent and $7 for eggs. You didn’t graduate into $50K student debt and $0 job security. Gen Z isn’t dramatic. They’re drowning.

Ozzy’s story about snorkeling in Fiji has me cracking up! 🤣

In the last 18 years Republicans have voted 9 times in favor of raising their own salary. Raising it a total of $99,000 In that same time they’ve also voted 14 times against raising the minimum wage and 71 times to take away healthcare.

did anyone else have a weird phase as a child where they got extremely into sunday newspaper comics . i think i had every far side book and damn near every calvin and hobbes book

The truth stood behind me, silent, while I handed you something prettier.

Kelly Clarkson can sing ANYTHING at this point, her best cover is always the next one 😭

Raleigh, NC! Join me September 12th-13th at the Goodnights Comedy Club for absolutely no fun 2 nights in a row! Grab your tickets now: pattonoswalt.com/tour/

Jack did amazing and the smile from the cashier is priceless! 🥰

cheesecake dislikers are attention seekers

Was getting a Diet Dr. Pepper at Sheetz. Didn’t realize a man was waiting at the soda fountain behind me, so I said “Oh, I’m sorry,” & he replied “Honey, you never have to apologize for visiting The Doctor” & it does sort of feel like I encountered God in disguise.

no one has a victim complex like a man who thinks he's a good person

I’m a scientist. I trust decades of data, not viral videos. I know vaccines are among the most powerful life-saving tools we’ve ever created. So yes - I stand with vaccines. Because ignorance kills. And science saves lives.

today i was at a group meeting and we were asked to share a talent we have. i went first and described "the claw," my ability to reach into my big messy bag and pull out exactly what i want. the girl after me shared that she speaks 10 languages and is now learning her 11th

Who needs a birkin when you have a slice of buttered bread???

you’re the smartest guy i’ve ever met and you’re too stupid to see he made up his mind ten minutes ago 😭😭😭😭😭

FearBuck Suprising teacher for his birthday