not tryin to be rude but how do you mute someone when they get a new haircut

*friend opens car door* me: woah easy easy that’s the shelf where i keep the half drank coffee cups

First to arrive at the bar? Just stand in the bathroom line and say “after you” until your friends get there

do they hide the eggs at the fertility clinic

There’s a mannequin in the garage next to mine and I can see thru the slats that it’s always changing position—it’s Tyra Banks I know it

please lordt, give me strength to fake laugh in the office today

Just remember, the only one watching you is you and the Eye of Sauron.

“In the mood for a taco that’s been rained on.” “Have you tried HomeState?”

winnie code Get ready to see jamie loftus 🌭 Griffin Newman @bransonreese Allison Reese Nandre Samwitch Blake Rosier calooch Evan Mulrooney and MANY MORE this month on ENS!

google says it’s 75 out but my steering wheel says

I order my coffee black, then fold my hands on the table—convinced that the server now finds me all growed up

UnSirius

Neighborhood watches are comprised of the neighbors who most need to be watched.

slept on a diagonal and woke up more interesting

lovely meal at Smitty’s Grill, tho no one complimented my bf’s new hat

which retinol they got these apples on

Happy 4/20 from Griffith Park!

On this free show tn! GOOD HEROIN

today i refuse to be high. today i am low. army crawling only til midnight who will join me

This is happening so soon. We're gonna settle every popular topic. A couple hours from now discourse dies. feat. calooch *screams into the void* Elon’s Husk and Lauren Walker!