Yeah sex is great but have you ever had the bartender say “There he is” when you walk in?

Laying low during thanksgiving prep should be an Olympic sport

If I had cancer my make-a-wish would be to put boiling water in my sleeping bag while building a stick shelter with this dude

I just need my woman to cook a few meals and give a medium effort blowjob every couple of days

Finally not negative one week and my bookie not answering calls

Wearing my Oilers jersey at Twin Peaks in Houston, TX.

Old ass co worker complaining about his 17 year old daughter sneaking out of the house, who woulda thought “she’s definitely leaving to go get fucked” was NOT what he wanted to hear

Morgan Wallen sounds like shit live

I can’t die yet, I haven’t fucked a black chick nasty style

The first white guy to sing Tequila at kareoke with his other white buddies probably felt like the funniest dude to walk the earth

huge ass tornado in 4 years

I can’t fw a Barnes and Noble type bitch, I like my hoes illiterate

In a meeting drinking coffee out of a red solo cup, I just don’t give a shit anymore man

Some people just want it more.. and by “people” I mean me, and by “it” I mean that sloppy where she smacks it on her face and shit

National boyfriend day is actually very helpful, I have unfollowed 47 women on Instagram today

Bro started an entire movement

😭😭😭

How me and the chick I’ll never see again were moving last night

When people ask my 5 year plan I tell them I’m gonna hit the half court shot at halftime of an NBA game and retire off that $20,000

*recapping w the hooker* So my kids might be in there