How long have you been sitting on this joke, Los Angeles Times?

My dad will just send me one word texts about shows he’s watching with absolutely no context and it’s so so Pure ™

I’m at the point in 2021 where I just dropped around a million dollars on useless items across three stores two weeks before Christmas and all of it - and I mean all of it - was for me.

My inner demons:

Spotted in the restroom at Felipes restaurant in Boston. IYKYK. (Yes I took this mid-pee.) My Favorite Murder Georgia Hardstark @KarenKilgariff

Tell me you had no idea how to play Wordle the first time without telling me you had no idea how to play Wordle the first time. I’ll start: ⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️🟩 ⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ ⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ ⬜️🟨🟩⬜️⬜️ ⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

am i doing this right?

One time, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and a young girl leaned down to pet my dog. The man behind me proceeded to lecture her on not petting strange animals to which she responded “Oh, is this your dog?” and watched him blabber into silence. I think about this often.

Sold my soul this morning (bought a second item at the coffee shop for a new Wifi code).

My sexuality is Nancy Wheeler saying “hey there.” #StrangerThings

HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON...HER SISTER WAS A WITCH RIGHT? AND WHAT WAS HER SISTER? A PRINCESS, THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST BRO. YOU'RE GONNA LOOK AT ME AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG? AM I WRONG? SHE WORE A CROWN AND SHE CAME DOWN IN A BUBBLE, DOUG. GROW UP BRO, GROW UP.

Just got called for Jury Duty and the start date is Halloween. Which means I’ve gotta start preparing my costume.

You learn something new every day. Like, today I learned if you accidentally lock your stuff in your gym cubby, you have to announce to every woman in the locker room that a man is entering with shears to cut it open, then describe in great detail what’s inside. :)

not sure why more people don't call death "eternity leave"

ANNOUNCEMENT: I have a podcast now! It’s a drunk book report, and it’s on Spotify. Tune into Best Cellars. open.spotify.com/show/7doRIfaP4…

Do you know every single lyric to "Fight Song" or did you live a life free of trauma?