Come join us for an open day at Hackney City Farm today from 12pm WHOAH HOLY JESUS WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CHICKEN-BEAR DEMON BEAST KILL IT WI

Want to have a chat with us? Take a ticket. Emergency? Take a ticket. Taking a ticket? Take a ticket. Just take a ticket. TAKE IT. TAKE A FU

Got bulky household items for collection? Fill out our online form (hackney.gov.uk/ew-household-w…) and we'll dump them in neighbouring Walthamstow.

Got a parking ticket? What it is yeah is dat you can't park there though. #hackneyparking

Got a car? You owe us £130 (reduced to £65 if paid within 14 days). Not got a car? You owe us £130 (reduced to £65 if paid within 14 days).

Convicted of running an organised crime syndicate? You may qualify for our senior management program! Apply now at hackney.gov.uk.

.Emma-Louise Holland Thanks for your message. Please let us know your neighbour's address, we'll ask them to tune into Radio 3 instead.

.Aubrey Wade Jo Metson Scott Apologies for those weeds, we intend to put a car-park there instead so please bear with us.

.@Giboneystzuz Thank you for your sex-chat request. We will endeavor to respond to you in a saucy manner within 28 working days.

.Clio the Muse maybe you should like not park so bad then yeah

.Nonjob the 'social media manager' job is well good pay lol

.Metro Guides Please park in Hackney Vehicle Pound - rates start at £40/day, minimum £265. Just leave vehicle anywhere for free collection.

.Moonthug don't know sorry lol! I emailed your card security number to Gary in IT to see if he knows anything.

.Metro Guides Ooh-Fondue You need to come in between 9am-5pm and take a ticket, we have a backlog of tweets to respond to before yours.

.Orlando Lewis you got off lightly, 3 seconds should be 3 fines

.@rena_ribena21 Please take a ticket. You are 285th in line to receive a response to your tweet.

@Chrisml86 Thank you for your tweet. Loading bays are designated instant-fine areas. It's one of our main revenue streams.

.Ben Knight better luck next time lol

.Crystal McClory Do you have any idea how much paint we'd need to fill all the potholes?

.Crystal McClory too pricey. Plan is to let entire road keep subsiding until it's even again.