I’m Joe Biden and I approve this message.

Adding a extra “k” to ok or “s” to thanks is my way of sounding less rude.

The ONLY thing that could’ve made Emily in Paris good, was a 3some and they didn’t write it in. Dumb.

Thinking about the guy that put cheese in a chocolate fountain

I am the kind of person who cleans frantically before some comes over to my apt and then say “excuse the mess I haven’t really had time to clean”

Mariah Carey every December.

Oomf: likes porn tweet Me:

Ever have ppl over and you jus’t cant wait for them to leave cuz you need to take a huge dump?

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Really love how everytime i subscribe to an OF my bank calls to confirm the credit card transaction.

I’m drunk and texting all the people I ghosted/ghosted me

Don’t you fucking look at my stories and leave on read i wanna kill you 🥴

I’m really high rn at a dinner w relatives i only see once a year

Wordle 209 4/6 ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ 🟨⬜🟨⬜🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩⬜ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 I am officially addicted

I feel like a hoe. I’m reacting to stories with fire emojis left and right.

3 words and I’m yours I mean “choke me daddy”

Can Genius now migrate all song lyrics ever on to here now?

For a sec I thought that was Philomena Cunk

Adding me to Close Friends where you exclusively post thirst traps…after ghosting me not once but twice… tbh i admire u 🤣 that’s some hot shit there

I was living in China and was offered s*x by this weird haired lady, I was horny and caved in cuz my gf had been denying me sex… turns out “she” was a crossdresser dude who had lured 1000+ men and secretly filmed all of…the videos have leaked :( my wife wants to divorce me now