Somewhere along the way, I became background noise in my own life

ME: *interrupts my own ass kicking at a rap battle* hey fellas, is your beef grass fed lmao [beating intensifies]

Death by drowning in a lake of queso surrounded by my loved ones* *tortilla chips

Sitting in the living room. I suddenly start to wretch the smell is so bad. My wife, 5 feet away maybe, smells nothing. I should enlist my dog in the military. Directional smart farts.

If you want to be kind, be kind. If you don't want to be kind, be kind. -Estelus 2024 AD.

I’m beginning to think my metaphorical balls are bigger than your actual nuts!!

Unique real estate opportunity for bachelor llama. Large suburban yard for sublet. Spitting at neighbors is not deed restricted.

Ugh, I really gotta lay off this birthday cake, she says, as she reaches for the last chunk of birthday cake.

If you don’t want someone to wash you after you died, make sure the cause of death is explosion.

Most of us would sell out given the right circumstances. ‘They’ always know the circumstances.

Hold me now.. but said like the falsetto part in the song.. Wait.. where are you going? Come back…

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET! Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED! Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card. But I looked rad AF.

Re-watching the Sopranos. Is it bad that I want A.J Soprano to get whacked? His character is an insufferable D bag.

Frying my eggs in truffle butter has made my life significantly better.

When I was a kid, getting a pair of walkie-talkies was so awesome. Then cellphones came along and ruined that.

*Hannibal Lecter eating my face* Me: OMG.. he thinks I’m pretty 🥹

I remember when sleep didn't require a CPAP machine, 7 box fans and the sounds of the Amazon rainforest playing in the background.

pico de gallo just means pick any guy you want, pick of the guy o

Be advised it's squishy out

i store my personality in the fat pads on my hips. if my pants are too tight, it can’t come out