Did you guys hear about today's huge plane crash? It was really shitty.

Needed this today 🙌

Every day I wake up assuming I am going to be violently murdered in the course of the day. This is not a joke.

Made a little house visit today, nbd.

Just brewed a second cup.

Stealing a mutual's bit. Real nice.

Can we just build a time machine and go back to 1952 already?

Dave Grohl looks like shit.

Crying at 2:00 PM. Great.

Hello. HELLO? Hi. I'm actually trying to put the comforter on. Also, how did you get in here?

Mr. Sillyfoot doesn't like it when I look at other cats on the internets.

When I need another beer on the #Sweeney's Patio:

Might pop a couple Lorazepam and call it a day.

I wish someone would do something about my drinking problem.

Even I'm bored with my tweets.

Who, me? Just making some air fryer chicken parmesan sandwiches before I watch WWIII on my television.

I joined Twitter in 2013 to make a couple of quick Naked and Afraid jokes. Now I spend 10 hours a day on here calling complete strangers gay and retarded.