You can try to phase us, but those of us who had to wear plastic grocery bags over our shoes to school for snow boots and rain boots are unphasable.

Sometimes, on rainy days, when I'm feeling down, I put on a Hawaiian shirt, go to a Trader Joe's, and just start firing fuckers.

Sometimes, I don't see close friends for decades, but every once in a while, I see someone who looks like them, and to me, that counts.

We knew all this crap in the '90s, too. There were just fewer people you could talk to about it.

If you stop masturbating to gross stuff, you won't need gross stuff to get you off. #datingtips

Bet you haven't heard these ones yet... nice day type vibes.. youtu.be/2VjPDU_sP7o?si… youtu.be/DvxOdZRYTRI?si…

Every once in a while, when I'm eating a banana, I remember they used to have seeds that were bred out of them, then I wonder if they'll do the same thing to us..

When you're old enough to remember all of the reasons we went to war for the last 40 years being lies, it colors your perspective.

If I knew you could write songs about things you haven't experienced, it would have saved me a lot of troubles.

Inevitably, at the end of every show, I'm approached by people enthusiasticly listing off musicians, bands, and genres, that I've never heard of in my life, until I'm forced to woefully admit... I'm not really a big music person.

In a way, I envy the future archaeologist trying to string all of this nonsense together in a pretty package fitting of whatever the parameters of their cultural belief systems may be. Because that shit is fun.

I've never had a job with health insurance, but I've stolen so many pens from work that I think it just about evens out.

Can't believe they thought they could just make these dudes release the Epstein files like it was the Snyder cut..

When I'm wearing a hat with a big brim, and I walk past someone else wearing a hat with a big brim, sometimes I pretend my hat is growling, trying to get at theirs, and I'm holding it back. "Sorry, it doesn't get along with other big hats."

Every generation gets to witness their rebellion become packaged and sold by the same system they were rebelling against. It's a rite of passage. Enjoy.

Yo.... DOPE.

I'm sure there's people out there without any degree of self-hate that make decent art, but I can't imagine enjoying any of it..

Say what you want, but it takes big cabals to become a cult leader.

My boss just tried to send me home early without pay because it was slow. I was like, nah, I'm good. I appreciate you, though, and it just like... worked.

My mother had me and my brother through natural child birth, but was also caught both times smoking weed in the hospital bathroom. I miss that freaking kid.