My sister found out her baby’s sex on the same day I came home in pain and faint from work from my latest fun with alternative birth control options and I am struggling with both

Happy Father’s Day to all the men who have asked me to call them daddy

Thank you for sending me Velma cosplay on my birthday July 12 ty ty

“Fuck. You stopped eating pussy and you became one.” O o f

When ur sexting ur boyfriend then his mom texts u and ruins it

Sext: control my body like James Holzhauer controls the Jeopardy! board.

This is my alt account so I can’t even brag about my cool tweet that was noticed by my favourite celebrity without everyone knowing 😒

Depression medication? May I suggest cheezies for dinner and masturbation for dessert.

My favourite past time is having a bath when my boyfriend has buddies over then sending him ridiculous bubble selfies. Bubble bikinis, hats, beards... what else should I bubble?

I lost my day planner and can’t remember if I was going to masturbate or hail Satan tonight

Pee is stored in the balls and that’s the real reason why I don’t carry them around in my fanny pack

Once I left a date because I had to water my plants

Bi update: Cunningly bisexual right now.

Let me be your spirit guide

Weirdly horny for Yiddish

Insatiably horny I wanna puke