“The Prime Minister offered me the position of Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union. After careful consideration for three seconds, I have declined the offer”

Knock knock Who’s there? Larry Larry who? Come on Keith, give me a break and let the cat in...

Vince Cable so bamboozled by Brexit, he’s grown an extra arm just for head scratching

I #ScrumTogether with @DoveMen to win #WALvENG RBS 6 Nations tickets. Pick your match by 8pm & you could too cards.twitter.com/cards/18ce53w1…

More three-word horror stories: Jumped the queue You’ll be fine Just a trim How are you? A quick word Out of milk Might be fun Rail replacement bus Have a dance Back to Brussels Contact customer support View current balance Meet and greet You look well Honestly, you choose

I can’t talk #TonyGotAFlypast 😢

Some incredible headlines to wake up to this morning. Well done Sheffield. So many people have told me the city was amazing yesterday 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 #SheffieldIsSuper #TonyGotAFlypast #RememberTheTen

Great to win Match of the Day @EURO2016 'Goal of the Tournament'. Thank you to everyone who voted ❤❤❤ #EURO2016

RT if you’re mega excited about the return of #GBBO at 8pm tonight! 😀

It's nearly bake off time!! The only thing to make coming home from holiday today bearable #GBBO

'I wanted to grow up and just be a reader, just be someone who read.' - Lydia Davis

Are you ready to race into the unknown? New season, new formula, new rules... New levels of excitement 😁 #C4F1 #F1 #F12017

Take care, London. Stay safe.

A 23-year-old girl forced into an unimaginable situation of tragedy is putting every world leader to shame. #ArianaGrande #OneLoveManchester