I’m confused. Apparently Someone from Toby Carvery has cut down a tree and I’m not allowed to eat Yorkshire pudding anymore. Gutted. I like trees but I like Yorkshire puddings even more.

It’s The Neighbour’s birthday. He’s 86. He said last week that he likes Baileys. I just took a bottle round. He said he has it in his coffee for breakfast. He’s gone up in my estimation. I’m still going to report him to the police if he goes out on his mobility scooter though.

Someone please buy me a cow.

Right. I’m cooking a fancy Easter dinner. It’s like a normal Sunday dinner but I’ll probably put an egg on it. Or something. And if you so much as look at my Yorkshire puddings, you’ll get a red neck.

I see His Royal Nonceness has been wheeled out for an Easter service. He’ll feel right at home with the Church of England.

JD Couch is a big fan of Putin. Putin’s MO is to give his enemies a dodgy cuppa. Pope visits the White House. Likely has a brew and a nice biccie. Pope snuffs it. Coincidence? Yeah. Probably.

I’ve been busy today. I started a new job as Kanye West’s social media adviser. Quiet day. I think it’s going pretty well.

This didn’t happen so hard it unhappened some nearby things that did.

Well, this is very splendid.

I’m at some posh hotel in Tunbridge Wells. This time on a Sunday I’d usually be drink and naked but I’ve been tempted into some underpants and out of the house by the promise of free pastries.

Warren Devon was one of the founding members of The Wurzels.

RIP Mike Peters. In a lifetime spent in and around the music biz, I never heard a bad word said about Mike. That's some tribute.

Cónclave

I’ve just got home from work. Being an adult is fucking rubbish.

This nobber is so far up his own hoop it borders on mental illness. ‘my legal team’ or, as most people would say, the cheapest High Street solicitor I could find.

So, the Frog faced grifter (who lives in Belgium) and his party of racists, criminals and Craftywank, have done pretty well. This country is fucked. Who is voting for these wankers. I’m going to buy a remote island a long way away. Anyone coming along?

A young gay couple have moved in across the way from me. I thought I’d welcome them to the neighbourhood by mowing my front lawn. Naked. I expect a For Sale sign to go up early next week.

Thinking of great grandad today who fought all the way from the Normandy beaches to Berlin. He’d have been proud to see Reform doing so well. That said, he was in the 21st Panzer Division…

I’ve downloaded an app that identifies different birds from their songs. So far I’ve heard a great tit, a wood pigeon and a bin man whistling the jingle from the shake and vac advert.

Right. I’m done with this hellsite. It’s now just full of OF girls and ultra right wing propagandists. (You’re lovely, by the way. I’ll miss you) Tara-a-bit, bab!