Most people don’t need a new car. They need discipline.

"I want a democratic power strong enough to force the intellectual oligarchy to use its genius for the general good or else perish." -- George Bernard Shaw

Why are water coolers always so close to the ground? It's like they are made for toddlers.

If the last throw Aaron Rodgers ever makes in the NFL is a pick-six. Ouch!

According this box of macaroni and cheese, I'm a family of four.

Social media isn’t “real life.” It’s a casino for toxic emotions — and the house always wins if you stay too long.

Your brain isn’t built for nonstop outrage. Algorithms reward whatever spikes emotion fastest — rage beats joy every time. It's good to take a peaceful break.

This is is my birthday song. It isn’t very long.💕 🎂

I find adults are basically taller, heavier, wrinkled children.

Never run a fruit stand if you're in an action movie.

I'm not in the best of shape. If I were murdered, my chalk outline would be a circle.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

John Candy and Catherine O'Hara both made the world a better place.

Anthony Jeselnik: Peer-reviewed and all. youtube.com/shorts/F6f7zj_…

"A closed door is a happy door" - Maurice Moss

If opportunity knocks it’s just a damn neighbor wanting a cup of sugar.

I go now.