I've invented a golf ball that will go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches Note to self: DO NOT put them in back pocket

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened.The shaken turtle replies, “I just don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

I would tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.

I think the girl at the airline's check-in just threatened me She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

I overheard my Mum say the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, "Can I have a new bike?" Dad was very upset. But his secretary was surprisingly nice about it. Yes, I got the bike.

GF: Why did you buy a fake dog turd? Me: You said we needed sham poo.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his penis. The bartender asks him “Is that a steering wheel on your penis?” The pirate replies, “Aaaar, yes! It’s driving me nuts!”

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called "dentures" They really missed an opportunity to call them "substitooths"

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart Sounds easy but the process is painstaking

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike... It's a vicious cycle

Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don’t C#.

Which one of King Arthur's knights designed the round table? Sir Cumference

I asked my wife if I'm the only one she's ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

My daughter said, “Mommy wants a horse-drawn carriage for your anniversary.” I said, “Sweetie, that’s ridiculous…” “…horses can’t draw.”

Today, the US Mint will officially mint the last US penny and will no longer produce them in the future. This makes no cents.

Horse Walks Into a Bar… A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “hey - i see you in here a lot. Are you an alcoholic or something?”The horse says “i don’t think i am”, then poof - he vanishes like he never existed. Now this is a play on words about R…

So… if one chicken costs a dollar, how much does a half dozen chickens cost? Buk-Buk-Buk-Buk-Buk-Buk.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archeologists believe if may be Pharaoh Roche.

told my boss I needed a raise because three other companies were after me. he looked all serious and asked which ones… I said the electric, gas, and the water company

What is the last name of an Irish yes man? O'Kay.