Don’t talk to me for the next 12 days I have to watch the entire real housewives franchise before they take it off Hulu

The real Mediterranean diet is replacing at least one meal a day with just coffee and nicotine

4 minutes is not enough time to cook hard pasta

I cannot maintain the upkeep anymore it is simply too much, too expensive, too hard to manage, cost of lost goods too high; I will no longer be wearing socks

If the pomegranate martinis are bad I may kms

She’s just a sad girl (disassociates to Adele) who yearns for her joyful youth (🧚🏼‍♀️ to freaky deaky)

Hot girls wear tinsel

I mostly ski for the fireball, pizza and beer, she’s thriving

I have an exit fund

I ate puffin at a restaurant and then cried at the table because I googled them and they mate for life.

As a beer, I am, miller highlife, corona, and rolling rock, so just trash

I just think that I am in love with Rihanna

them: … me: And P.S. your c*nts in the sink! them: … me: lol

I smell like pizza and perfume

How I’m feeling

This weekend I felt uncomfortable not wearing shoes at this event so I made someone lend me shoes. Three hours later a four year old asked me why I wasn’t wearing shoes at the start of the party. This has done untold damage to my psyche.

This, this is the level of damage the four year old from the other weekend did to me

Bring back top of the pops

Kanye West and his wife Bianca Censori spotted in Italy.

Today I spent an hour in the trunk of a car