If you want 99% of your problems to disappear: -lift weights -go for walks -don’t get drunk or high with anyone who isn’t doing well in life -realize the girl you like would probably have a crush on you if you were lean and muscular -stop chasing random hookups with girls you

Low testosterone behaviors: -complaining -being cynical -speaking negatively about your girlfriend in public (psychotically bad look) -being passive-aggressive -being “too cool” to try (you’re not too cool you’re just a pussy) -bailing on dates -getting excited about drama

If you’re out of shape and wanna fix it - you don’t need to: -starve yourself -do cardio -lift so much weight you hurt your lower back You definitely don’t need to: -tell yourself you’re “doomed” -use food to make yourself feel good (it doesn’t) -hangout with low-energy losers

Thursdays aren’t for “sending” it, they’re for lifting weights with your boys then watching Dark Knight Rises.

High testosterone behaviors: -talking to people like you already know them -offering things about yourself in conversation that aren’t proper/“perfect” -lifting weights to girly pop songs -telling the father of the bride “thank you so much for this weekend Mr. [Last Name] I’m

The plan: -start pregaming at 5 -your friend’s sister 2 years older than you comes over with 6 hot friends -one of them is wearing just a bikini and Jordan’s, her hands are the size of Dua Lipa’s and her body looks like she’s hit Pilates 5 times a week for 7 years -she calls you

Hangover cure: -shower -Nitro cold brew -hit the gym and have randomly one of the best lifts of your life -go to your friend’s place to grill steaks -his girlfriend brings 3 hot friends (they played Soccer in College and their bodies are insane) -you’ve seen pictures of them and

If you don’t fantasize about: -your next workout -busting inside your crush -smacking her butt playfully when you’re married (she gets pissed if you don’t) -watching Tarantino movies with her Uncles staying up til 2AM smoking cigars -living in the same town as your boys one day

Reasons to be muscular: -your wife gets pumped to show you off at parties -her dad brags about you to his golf buddies -your shoulders look so jacked in your wife’s Instagram of you at a Morgan Wallen concert that her College rival rear-ends someone in traffic because she’s so

The plan: -start pregaming at 930AM at the lake house -it’s you and your 2 boys and 3 baddies who played College soccer -“Drink In My Hand” by Eric Church is blasting - you’re flooded with memories of fresh-cut grass your senior year of football -you have a fired up conversation

Hangover cure: -wake up rattled at 7AM and go straight to the gym (shoulders) -take a hot shower then set the AC to 60 and take a nap -wake up twice as rattled as before and go to your boy’s condo because you don’t wanna be alone -it’s him and his girlfriend and her best friend

Men used to go to war now they gossip at “Brunch”

The plan: -hit the gym after a brutal work week because you need something to make you feel good -meet your boys at the bar because you don’t wanna be alone -“What’s My Name” by Rihanna is slapping mythologically triggering crazy nostalgia from back-to-school dances during High

Hangover cure: -Advil -hot shower -a baddie you went to High School with shows up at your door to “help you clean” (she’s 2 years older than you and way out of your league) -she used to talk to you at parties and even got you a birthday present one year (Tim Tebow jersey) but

Testosterone boosters: -sunlight -lifting weights -asking out your crush -Scarlet Johansson’s voice -“We Found Love” by Rihanna -leaving a generous tip -telling someone their song choices are good when they’re on the aux -telling the father of the bride “thank you so much Mr.

Thursdays aren’t for “sending” it, they’re for lifting weights at a gym that plays “Airplanes” (2010) then grilling ribeyes and plantains and watching Once Upon A Time In Hollywood

If you’re out of shape and wanna fix it: -lift weights -go for walks -stop drinking on weeknights -eat when you’re hungry not when you’re bored -stop chasing random hookups with girls you have no future with -trim your friend group to your real friends only (if you can’t have

The plan: -start pregaming at 4 to Season 1 of Workaholics -the girl you’ve been DMing shows up with 3 friends -turns out she’s a terrible person but one of her friends is unreal - she has the calmness of Hailey Bieber and does Pilates 6 times a week -she calls you dumb when you