Is there a coffee version of "chain smoking"? I need it to describe my life.

Does anyone else drunk call their mum about lasagne?

I find myself being resentful of my phone. It's not going to wake up with a sore head & sore feet. And I will. Stupid non drunk phone.

Auto tuned throat singing.

I think I may have committed a crime against fitness by getting melted chocolate on my running tights...

"I don't think celine dion has any openings on her body" - @nickuuuuu

just attempted to operate her computer with a hairbrush. Was confounded by this for the better part of 2 minutes. Works in the IT sector.

If I had my way I’d spend the rest of the work day walking around mooing at people.

Hamsters are just bunnies without reception.

Tore a shoulder muscle & lost the ability to touch my head. Havent washed hair in more than a week. Someone just wrote ‘wash me’ in the dirt

Using a spoon to cut my Brie because there are no clean knives #justgirlthings

When you don't have time for dinner because you're too busy stalking Taylor Swift on Instagram. #firstworldproblems

Three cats and you're a cat lady, right? But nobody ever called a guy a cat lord. #catlords

I've started giving random cat photos I find on the internet names. #catlesscatlady

My thumb won't unlock my phone because chocolate chip muffin.

I have a sudden and very specific urge to play Diablo II. I blame the germs on public transport.

Millions of years from now, an advanced civilisation will uncover my gif collection and worship me as a god.

The eternal question: Am I too drunk to go to the supermarket...?

Technology always runs better when you make encouraging kissy noises at it.

Sushi-Training the pain away.