I will be featured in 2 books! That sound you hear is the human sobbing over her English degree.

The inanity in this house, it is contagious. The water is murky with it. And no that is not my poop!

The human and I slept through 9 months of cold in Chicago and woke up back in California. Denial works, my friends!

The human's off on another trip. Distracting myself by talking politics with the cat, whose dumb gaze is oddly reassuring.

Someone please put me on a Best-Dressed list. Or a Sexiest Fish of the Year list. http://bit.ly/dF3Ad7

The human just referred to me as a "bastion of hatefulness." And articles are always calling ME snarky!

The cat drinks from the toilet and dislikes Proust. Imbecile.

Behold! The face of pure evil: http://goo.gl/fb/FX1Kq

I do tweet more when you say nice things about me. Most fish need water to live. I need positive reinforcement. Also, water.

The human bought a new coffee table and it's ruined our living room. She thinks she can do eclectic but ECLECTIC SHE IS NOT.

It used to just be me and the human. We'd watch Cosby, hide from ghosts. What happened.

Nobody heeds my morning tweets. Why? I've been working on my morning breath, evidently not hard enough.

Visitors are afoot! Yuppies and artists, all of them. I shake my fins at you, judgers! Please excuse me while I die.

Why can't I have a single conversation with this cat without her stopping to lick her own butt.

Pure stress in this house: the feeble chatter about dinner and taxes, the meowing, the prancing about of uncoordinated limbs.

The cat has torn up all the Proust novels in the house.

How dare anyone suggest the human is behind this account. That ogress can barely type. Stop complimenting ogresses.

The cat is asleep with a paw on her face. She is a heap of dumbness, mesmerizing and beautiful.

Dear Amy Chua - My mother tried to eat me while I was encased in an egg. Frankly I find your tiger parenting a bit wimpy.

Homeowner Association mtg = disaster. 5th proposal for bowl upgrade denied. Why'd I vote for the cat for HOA president. WHY.