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when you already bumped into someone twice in a store and can't bear making more small talk

Billy hearing “all I wanna do” by Sheryl Crow when it first came out

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you're going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat's sinking and you're racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

the content no one asked for - live tweeting the 1987 movie Masters of the Universe! let's go

"wow look at all these disorganised idiots doing last minute christmas shopping" - me, while doing disorganised last minute christmas shopping

Santa: hey I'm 🎶coming to town! me: oh great that's- Santa: I see you when you're sleeping. I know when you're awake me: uh Santa: I know if you've been bad or good so- me: please don't come to town

When we’re down in the dumps. the other gang members and I like to sit in a circle and discuss what makes us tick

It was the gaba of times, it was the gool of times

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

thank you for retweeting my retweets, may I interest you in retweeting my tweets?

Rules for giving your cat a pill - 1. Put on the suit of armor 2. Prepare your last will and testament 3. Good luck

sometimes I randomly ask Alexa to do something even though we haven't talked in years, like I'm her annoying ex texting out of the blue all "hey how are you"

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

Every Bert Kreischer special should come with a free ticket to kick him in the balls.

was eavesdropping on my inner monologue and thought wow this bitch sure is obsessed with herself