Rented an electric car and it slaps dude, I charge it 3 hours every 45 minutes and pee in the bushes all day

EGOT? Well what’d he get?

You’re not being shadow banned. You’re getting a little worse every year

Laugh at Ron Desantis all you want but in 2028 with his team and ground game he’s easily gonna convince everyone alive to hate him

Here’s a sentence that’s never true: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Well I’m not doing anything without my coffee

This election is gonna suck but at least there were tons of ways to avoid it, plenty of warnings, and lots of other options

Just one year after Rocky 4

I'm so lame I shazamed a song playing in my dream last night

Guy Ritchie will get a script called "Death Time" and go let's call it The Deleterious Hufflepuff Piggly Wiggly Bang Bang

Cool that leaving your house is $100 and staying in is also $100

The economy is good, why don’t people feel it? Subscribe: $99 annual pass to unlock full article

Don’t believe everything you read? Way ahead of you. I don’t even read

It’s cool in movies how everybody just got a haircut

I hate whiskey but I love big ice cubes and I don’t know where else to get them

I’ve been saying this shit for years

We’re gonna have to work in our sleep aren’t we?

Hi, I’m a sheriff in a horror movie. I’m either impossibly hot or 100 years old

Finally got my old account back after I was suspended in 2020 for pretending to be Joe Biden. Let’s goooooooooo

I bet the first caveman who tried sarcasm was executed