I can have nachos for breakfast. Your stupid menu can't tell me what to do.

This is why big women are the best women hellyeah.cc/proof-that-cur…

HELLO GUYS AND GALS! Please watch this video, and when your done drying the pee out your pants VOTE FUNNY! funnyordie.com/videos/13c0bef…

Tweets are like farts; if it's a good one, everyone will catch wind of it.

There's ugly, then there's "late night cashier at Wal-Mart" ugly.

Farts make scents.

Sluts are just boner hoarders.

Women can fake an orgasm, but men can lie to the cops about the woman's disappearance.

There's always somebody for someone, but not if you're ugly.

Happy Easter! Look what the Easter Bunny brought you! FunnyOrDie.com/m/8u66

It would be awesome if you were to watch this then vote FUNNY. Unless you're some lame-ass hater. Are you? FunnyOrDie.com/m/8u66

Give my man @PaulyPeligroso a funny vote! FunnyOrDie.com/m/8u66

This is fucking hilarious! funnyordie.com/videos/13c0bef…

The great thing about living above somebody is that you can get drunk and throw up in their backyard.

"I just need to do some Aarons." - really busy whore.

Being fat has it's advantages. Like, no one will ever ask you to go hiking or jogging with them. bit.ly/1hdz89o

Some people put their vodka in the freezer. That's stupid. I put it in my liver.

"Lil Weezy" was my prison nickname. Because I wheeze when I masturbate. bit.ly/1hdz89o

Gonna sleep like a baby tonight. A baby that drank whiskey and took a vicodin.

Oh hey, have you seen this? bit.ly/1hdz89o