Always be ready.

I'm going to create a pamphlet for my students called "So, I Plagiarized. Now What?" that walks them through the consequences in the course, what follows from admin, and how to remediate it (if possible). Then, I can just give that to them automatically. #grading

If so much was riding on this course, why didn't you take it more seriously until now? My response to I can't graduate/I can't get into X program/I'll lose my scholarship/I won't be able to play sports/I can't transfer to Uni. #grading #DoNotWantYourGuilt

Twitter! What did you do to the web interface?

In order to support administrative drives toward retention, I will be converting all grades to As. You get an A. You get an A. Look under your seats...As for everyone! Fine print: A grades are pending until next semester's classes are scheduled and paid for.

Student: I'm good at bs-ing in my essays. Me: [having just graded essay] No, you're not. You're good at bs-ing yourself, though. #grading

Instead of an FAQ, I'm going to make a "Questions You Didn't Bother to Ask" or QYDBA. I guess I could make it Never Asked Questions (NAQ), but this lacks the passive-aggressive undertone of QYDBA. #grading #teaching #writing

Your paper gets 6 minutes of my time. I'll comment as much as I can, but I'm basing the grade off what I can accomplish. #gettingolder #timerunningout #grading

Have to go back and fix some comments. Commented half the essay without my fingers on the home keys. #grading #ishouldbedrinkinginstead

No, you lectured with coffee grounds in your teeth. #overyet

My favorite #grading tool is about three fingers of bourbon, neat.

Dear student: put your paper next to the sample essay. Do they even remotely look alike? If not, then you did something wrong. Fix it. Read the instructions and follow them. #grading #losingeasypoints

If you need a certain grade for a particular program, then the details will always count. You can't just do a "good enough" job in your courses. You have to put in the extra effort because your dream program demands it. #grading #savinglives #yourewelcome

New syllabus policy: 1. Fees will be charged for late work. 2. Fees will be charged for Incomplete Grades. 3. Fees will be charged for Letters of Recommendation. 4. Fees will be charged for handling plagiarism. 5. Fees will be charged for things clearly listed in the syllabus.

New Syllabus Policy (con't): 6. Fees will be charged for meeting outside of office hours. 7. Fees will be charged for weekend email replies. 8. Fees will be charged for emails about an assignment within six hours of when it's due. 9. Double fees charged for parent phone calls.

Going to start sending billable hours to admin. #grading #overtime

Sometimes, hard workers realize that half their effort would meet or exceed the effort of everyone else. But, hard workers also can't stop themselves. #tryingtoohard

Dear academic job ads: If your position is for a full time teacher, with a full time research agenda, an internship coordinator, and a program director, you need a department not a faculty member.

The Core

A paper that is 2.5x the required length isn't going to impress me. If I ordered a double cheeseburger, but you gave me a burger with five patties, well...I'm not going to be happy because that's not going to be a well-balanced burger. #grading