I walked up to my front door just now and I thought I saw one of my plants moving in the garden bed. I got in super close and realized… IT WAS A SKUNK. Luckily I didn’t get sprayed and it ran away, but I was like 6 inches away from its butt.

Man. Bacon, am I right?

When your McDonald's spicy chicken sandwich only comes half made. Where’s the rest of it?! 🤣😤🙄

No one: Me: Practices my “red carpet Cole Walliser #Glambot poses” for an hour in my bathroom. Dishes in the sink: …HELLO?

if this gets 50k likes i will literally beg the big bon to make a candle

Driving home tonight: Car 1 tailgates me. I let them pass. Car 2 tailgates me. I let them pass. Car 2 tailgates Car 1. They begin to road rage at each other. End Scene.

If you see me outside of the theatre and I look angry, I’m not. I’m just walking through NY. 😤😆🚶🏻

The iRobot Roomba I bought three months ago and finally set up today:

Dear Amtrak, you physically removed my dear friend & colleague off of your train without offering her another option all over 1 extra personal item. Many of us Broadway folks rely on your services to get to our theatres… you owe her an explanation and an apology NOW.

Booked it. No crumbs. 💚🧙🏼

Me watching Ann Kim’s Chef’s Table Pizza episode on Netflix (CC) [the sound of cabbage being torn] Me:

Dani really said Max likes your yabos. In fact he loves them, huh?

Going on my first Disney Cruise Line in 23 days! I’m so excited!!! But the true joy was making all the reservations for Walt Disney World before and after the cruise!

99% sure my obituary will say: “He died from trying to eat a whole thing of Costco-sized shrimp cocktail in one sitting.” 🍤🍤🍤🍤🍤🍤🍤🍤🍤⚰️

Hey Uber & Uber Support I’ve had 2 drivers cancel on me this morning because they didn’t want to drive me to work. One when I just got in the car. Help? Please?

I’m on a train, just scheduled an Uber to pick me up at the station and just made an pick up order at Wingstop. Let’s see if I can do everything without waiting more than 1 minute! 🤞🏼🍗🚙

🥹x♾️

She’s everything. He’s just a street rat.

'HELLUVA BOSS' has higher demand than 99.4% of all Animation titles in the US. (Source: Parrot Analytics)

Don Darryl Rivera reflects on 'Aladdin' 10th year, SAG Awards nomination news.abs-cbn.com/entertainment/…