Join me and #DontBeAVoter in the US election. Get started being a good citizen and accept those who wield power over you. Or face execution. gettothepolls.com/?utm_source=tw…

Who the fuck is Alan Degenerate and why the fuck does he keep inviting me to baseball games?

Sometimes I'm in the middle of electrocuting the genitals of some unperson and I just think "what is even the point?"

🙋‍♂️Raise your hand if you think the news of 5 black men found hanging in trees in 1 week should be getting much bigger headlines.

For all those wondering, this is my son Nestor. We share no blood but he is my life. He came from Cuba (legally, of course) six years ago and lives with me in Creepsylvania. I am so proud of him and raising him has been the best, most rewarding thing I’ve done in my life.

Putting together a free music festival in Creepsylvania and the lineup is going to be exclusively the funk metal versions of thrash bands. We'll see how much you ding dongs really care about live music.

THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!

I told that son of a bitch Chavez to keep his mouth shut and we'd all make off with those delicious Hostess Fruit Pies, but NOOOoooo.

I am happy to announce a breakthrough vaccine that I think is really going to make a huge difference in the lives of all Creepsylvanians. Line up on the side of the trenches in Svatoplunk Square at noon tomorrow to get yours!

It's an honor to be asked to join the cast of #SpiderMan3 and my pleasure to accept! See you in Hollyweird, true believers!

The runoff election results in Creepsylvania are thus: Rendering Plant runoff- 75%, Raw Sewage and Toxic Waste runoff-20%, Third Party runoff (cooking grease, chicken fat, etc.)- 5%. The people have spoken. youtu.be/BZNJoq_kV2M

While I appreciate the thought I regret that I must turn down the Presidential Medal of Freedom at this time.