Twitter is the only place where it's OK to act like a rock star. I'm not a rock star btw.

Is there a way of not losing all respect for people who question why you know who directed the movie they're talking about?

BAD COP: And then you pulled the trigger? Brains all over the sidewalk, HUH?! ANSWER GODDAMMIT! GOOD COP: Uhm... Name the Great Lakes.

I'm just not sure but give me your eye contact details and I'll think about it.

Your focused meditation sounds great but have you heard of naps? I think they will blow your mind!

Imma rearrange your face, otterfucker!

Once a tweet makes you hear the Benny Hill Show theme in your head it keeps happening over and over again.

"Italian food" means "saturated fats served on a kingsize bed of stupid carbs" in italian. In english it means "stuff my face full of that".

Let me know if you have some spare sleep gathering dust. I'm all over that.

me [dead and in hell for over 3000 years]: still can't believe i used the wrong you're in that one tweet

Well this looks exciting.

I'm gonna call you... Ukraine.

I can't seem to get the hang of covering my PIN because I get robbed two bucks every time.

What the hell. A little porn syrup won't kill me.

At what point in life does it become increasingly easy to get away with saying inappropriate things? It's been a downward slope so far.

Ask your doctor if flu vaccine is left for you.

I'm gonna have one glass of wine now and save the rest of the bottle for also now.

I wish I could just plug in Matrix style and download every pun ever told so I won't do the goofy chuckle whenever I haven't heard one.

Sure I'll help you out. Where did you come in from?

Some of you need to learn about punctuation