I think I picked the wrong safe word in the bedroom. "Proceed" sent a mixed signal and now I'm in the hospital

I was really hoping the reports about the Canadian prime minister separating from his wife were false. Turns out they were Trudeau

a fine movie, almost fell asleep though #talktome #donttalktome

Real Less Taste Waste Hellmann's Mayonnaise

Michael Caine saying his own name sounds like he's talking about his own cocaine

I was working all day at Menards. I thought I'd never get off

breaking my twitter silence to say "thigh crimes and miss dem wieners" thanks

My friends wedding got me all nostalgic for the four loko and living in a party house days

gonna start updating classic novels for modern times, starting with 'All Loud AF on the Western Front'

I think this news article is hitting on me

hot boy summer is over, welcome to hot bottom autumn

Time never feels slower than it does when driving through northern Ohio

Issue 2 puff puff passes 💨

Turns out I'm allergic to swedish rock music. Every time I listen to it I break out in The Hives

Can't wait for the "I Fucked the Dune Popcorn Bucket, Here's What Happened" think pieces to hit the internet

how I feel using my wife's hairdryer:

It's funny that Republicans call the US a third world country when most of them wouldn't last a week in an actual third world country

Starting to wonder if mom is even her real name or if that's just a mom de plume

Michigan player names sound like someone too horny at brunch