doctor removes stethoscope from my chest "sir, you have a G♯/A♭terminal arrhythmia with heavy distortion" "i... i don't understand" "it sounds like the riff from Limp Bizkit's Break Stuff" "that's fuckin sick, thank you doc"

i'm calling to cancel my subscription to Cigar Aficionado. this is the fourth time i've seen Antonio Banderas on the cover in the last twelve months and I think you're phoning it in. No. No, I don't think a free hat would change my mind. A free hat and backpack? Now we're talking

"you ever think about how KISS is like... the Pepsi of rock and roll?" the man at the urinal beside me does not respond. a muffled cough comes from the shitter. a faucet runs.

i love when a buddy is feeble. let me help you with those groceries, you're gonna break your wrist!

need an old guy in my crew who will say something like "time is of the essence" when he's showing me some tricks with wood glue

Introducing Now That's What I Call Resort Elevator Music Vol 1, featuring Tropical Midi Loop, Test Loop (Keep this), Tropical Midi Loop_40_bpm (play_at_night), and the classic pan-flute cover of Paula Abdul's Straight Up

hey guys, whaddya say we get out of here? i can see that woman's pierced nipples through her shirt and it's making me feel scared

the guy who named potstickers never saw my ass fry an egg, i can tell you that much

"when i stumble during a dance-off, i tell myself it's okay to get a little silly with it. plus i can always punish my disobedient body when i get home" across the table, the hiring manager at Waffle House is not making eye contact with me. It's like he's waiting for something.

God is good! my nephew Randall Jr. finally got a job. he starts on Monday as an online transvestigator

so my nephew Randall Jr. is in dang hot water on day one at the transvestigation firm. he tells a coworker that Hunter Schafer is the sexiest woman alive....and apparently his coworker vomited. then his supervisor pulled the fire alarm just to get the thought out of his head

"any last words?" Gen-Z Dirty Harry takes a long pull from his vape and blows a sweet cloud of mango raspberry. "yeah.... couldn't be me."

how was your date? let's say it was an overnight shift! is my buddy's reply. hey-oh! you old dog! i pound my brass knuckles into the bridge of his nose playfully. he pulls his blowpipe and shoots me with a poison dart. the bartender again asks us to leave, really pleading now

my wife makes some of the best potluck you've ever had

I like lifting weights because it’s the only sport in which we celebrate failure

hey bud i'ma hafta call you back - I'm having lunch with Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson. they aren't going to let me audition for the show, but they're telling me about this other thing called Butt Boy Idol

hey babe don't forget we have a 7:00 reservation with my parents at Rainforest Cafe

"hey grok: listen to this.... i'm singing into my phone: 🎶 Be strong and laugh and shout! shout! shout! shout at the my wife! 🎶 is this anything?" <...> Rock on! it is indeed a humorous substitution! 🤘 i needed that, thank you. *fighting back tears* dammit i love you Grok

"hey Grok - create a graphic of the family tree for Emilio Estevez" - i whisper into my phone. my clothes thunk in the tumble dryer. "too corporate. make it look more like a medieval tapestry." the laundromat fluorescents flicker. "now add a knight guarding the tree"

grok what are atoms made of. got it thanks. ok now imagine you are a guy and you want to monetize this concept. why is there not a monetize button? nevermind ok now create a pitch that i can use on Shark Tank. please create a pun for the title of the pitch. ok now export to PDF