dogs live forever if you train them right

you are going to LOVE the surgery i’m about to perform

bask in the glory of your coworker’s new baby

our father, who art in Garage, hallowed be thy Fixing My Car

“i’m old enough to be your father” “i’m old enough to be your mother” i’m old enough to be your dear friend.

friendship isn’t magic it’s science. Obviously

“egg wash” yeah right

i plan my jokes 2, maybe 3 days in advance, so every interaction maintains a clean, controlled vibe. People love this

dude you’re like the bell hooks of math rock

stumbling across a dead bug —> hunting down its killer; bringing them to justice

voting when you’re anti-thesis is low key difficult

any time i see a video of someone cutting soap or breaking bottles etc. and can’t look away i’m reminded once again that i’m nothing more than a filthy, earth-bound animal.

training my boss to take my place when i die

one of these days it’ll be tomorrow