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Dad’s are physically incapable of believing they’re not funny. There, I said it.

Can't, I'm in big trouble with the wife. I thought something was funny that wasn't funny.

My ghost will be easily recognizable I’ll be the one trying to shake dryer sheets loose from my white garb

The first 50 years of childhood are always the hardest.

Cashier: how would you like to pay? Me: with my good looks if possible Cashier: Me: Cashier: Me: credit

If you don’t like horror movies, I assume you’ve never processed fear correctly and I will not sit near you in a crisis.

Gossip is the dialect of the losers.

Come for the free & open exchange of ideals and cultures, stay for the Grand Finale of Civilization.

If you’re gonna Retweet yourself, the least you could do is retweet the popular one.

They don't want healed women... they want women who tolerate their damage without asking for change.

Stick figures on the back of my car, but for my multiple personalities.

Good Morning Whitewashing Of Reality W W W

Therapist: “You need healthier coping mechanisms.” Me: [eating ice cream from the carton with a fork] define “healthier.”

When I say nothing's wrong what I really mean is I want you to spend the next several hours trying to figure out what's wrong - women

why worry about the wrong things when you can worry about everything

My toxic trait is that I use baking as a coping mechanism. Sad? Bread. Anxious? Bread. WWIII? Bread.

I hope this email finds you at Taco Tuesday and can you bring me some tacos?

Don’t think you’re gonna get the blowy thing if you get the cheap car wash, oh no, you have to get the premium car wash for that.

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...