David Harris (@davidharrislive) 's Twitter Profile
David Harris

@davidharrislive

Nationally Touring, Regionally Emmy Award Winning Comedian/Actor/Person. Mostly a person.

ID: 516119556

linkhttp://www.davidharrislive.com calendar_today06-03-2012 02:52:28

4,4K Tweet

967 Followers

891 Following

David Harris (@davidharrislive) 's Twitter Profile Photo

You know you’re a heavy man when as soon as you sit down on an airplane, you make sure your air nozzle is open all the way and aimed directly at you.

David Harris (@davidharrislive) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Just saw a guy open the driver’s side door for his girlfriend. Is this a thing now? I’ve never opened any door for my girlfriend. That’s just ONE of the reasons I’m single.

David Harris (@davidharrislive) 's Twitter Profile Photo

At age 46 I now need break time after a lot of socializing. I blame my friends for being so gregarious. It’s not their fault, but I do blame them.

David Harris (@davidharrislive) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Is my favorite part of my uneaten bananas on the counter the fruit flies? Yes. Am I gonna do anything about it? No. #greathusbandmaterial #fruitflyhusband

David Harris (@davidharrislive) 's Twitter Profile Photo

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but that sphere seems to be everywhere now. At least on the internet. I think I even saw it in Puerto Rico.

David Harris (@davidharrislive) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I know ocean’s 14 is in development, but I just want to see ocean’s 1 where it’s just George Clooney shoplifting a keychain with his name on it from a real casino gift shop.

David Harris (@davidharrislive) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I’m always confused how people in movies can just take someone’s pulse and be so certain if they’re dead. Like what if you just missed the spot? And now you’ll have to live without knowing for sure. Maybe that’s just me. Sorry, Don.

David Harris (@davidharrislive) 's Twitter Profile Photo

For as amazing as Colin Farrell is as the Penguin on Max, I keep seeing Danny DeVito in my head, dang it! Not him as the penguin. Just Danny DeVito. Get outta there Danny! #ThePenguin

David Harris (@davidharrislive) 's Twitter Profile Photo

You should be able to unpress elevator buttons when you hit the wrong one. That’s all. Someone fix it. Ok, now that’s all.