You know you’re a heavy man when as soon as you sit down on an airplane, you make sure your air nozzle is open all the way and aimed directly at you.

Happy Father’s Day to all the non-dads out there too - you’re doing a great job!

Just saw a guy open the driver’s side door for his girlfriend. Is this a thing now? I’ve never opened any door for my girlfriend. That’s just ONE of the reasons I’m single.

Why can’t I unpush a wrongly pushed elevator button. Come on elevator companies! Fix it!

I’ve decided to find out and then f around. I’m a rebel!

My career goes in fits and starts, mostly fits.

At age 46 I now need break time after a lot of socializing. I blame my friends for being so gregarious. It’s not their fault, but I do blame them.

Is my favorite part of my uneaten bananas on the counter the fruit flies? Yes. Am I gonna do anything about it? No. #greathusbandmaterial #fruitflyhusband

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but that sphere seems to be everywhere now. At least on the internet. I think I even saw it in Puerto Rico.

How many hours a day is acceptable to be on social media? 27? 35? 100?

I know ocean’s 14 is in development, but I just want to see ocean’s 1 where it’s just George Clooney shoplifting a keychain with his name on it from a real casino gift shop.

I’m always confused how people in movies can just take someone’s pulse and be so certain if they’re dead. Like what if you just missed the spot? And now you’ll have to live without knowing for sure. Maybe that’s just me. Sorry, Don.

For as amazing as Colin Farrell is as the Penguin on Max, I keep seeing Danny DeVito in my head, dang it! Not him as the penguin. Just Danny DeVito. Get outta there Danny! #ThePenguin

You should be able to unpress elevator buttons when you hit the wrong one. That’s all. Someone fix it. Ok, now that’s all.

I can’t wait for this election to be decided by the next election.

I’m going as a unsexy nurse for Halloween - and no one can stop me - not even a real nurse or a fake cop. Muah!

Watch like no one’s dancing. #becreepy

I was worried I got hacked today but it was only a duplicate profile, so I only got hacked a little. Welcome to 2024.