{texting ice cream friend} 2 scoops vanilla. waffle cone, chocolate around the rim. Sensational {texting other friend } Just told him I got ice cream lol

i would probably also have named a climate pattern "El Niño". but then again that's already what i call my dog and fridge and son

If zohran mamdani wins I’ll post a video of my neighbor’s penis !!

I accidentally steeped Joe Rogan in a cup of earl grey tea and drank him🤯 “not him” making my gut bacteria laugh by humping my gall bladder

Hell ive got nowhere to be

Plaintain is to banana what I am to a guy that’s kinder than me but crucially harder to respect

Virgil, Homer, Dante. You write an epic poem and become a mononym. I attempt to dream tonight of a world where Cedric The Entertainer writes Gilgamesh 2 and is remembered as “Cedric” thereon. I wake in a cold sweat and breathlessly tell my wife it’s about Cedric’s Gilgamesh 2

{hearing a Van Halen solo and imagining a big guitar, also forgetting the word for synesthesia } Oh my God.. I think I have bibimbap

Love drinking water in bed without sitting up, where the liquid sort of sits at the bottom of your oesophagus and you almost throw up or die. It’s just one of those things I can’t imagine Obama doing

The real revelation that these hyperrealistic AI videos bring about is just how boring it all is. You see a convincing video of Trump eating moths out of a used jockstrap and go “Ok”. The 5-years-ago you would have found the prospect of this mind-alteringly funny. But you go “ok”

my favourite youtube video: Captain Barbosa Being A Mood For 11 Minutes Straight. I show it to bus drivers, women at the bank. In a dream I played it for Barbosa himself and he kissed my thigh

{ trying to top friend’s anecdote } LOL! Man did you hear about the old woman who lived in a shoe

Bet!!!!

I raced a tortoise and a hare in my house and my dog ate them

This is so sad. Bourdain describing exactly how he would kill himself

The late bird gets the much cooler "night worm"

And the Oscar goes to {opens envelope, big smile} The Cone Brothers

The Black Keys are my favourite band. I’m designing an AI chatbot for landlords to handle tenant disagreements. I genuinely love my wife/bouldering. I’ll die at the turn of the next century surrounded by children who are basically the same

Awful. I want the computer

France is full of dads who want to be your girlfriend basically. I fucked this guy