I need this for my office... x.com/HatfieldAnne/s…

Play Coin Master with me! GetCoinMaster.com/~5DjjRQeWFD

Finding it more difficult to tweet is a direct result of being well and truly loved. Words of pain came easily. Love leaves me speechless.

That awkward moment when someone you utterly despise calls, but hissing at people is frowned upon in your profession.

If a local council is badly divided between three parties, can one say it is well hung?

If we do today what must and can be done today, tomorrow will not have to be burdened by yesterday’s debts

[playing with toy dinosaurs] 4-year-old: What's his name? Me: Triceratops. 4: No, he's Stabby Face. The paleontologists got it wrong.

When you're trying to get comfy and the sheets try to strangle you, and you lay there thinking: 'well YOU're never getting ironed again!'

Move to the Karoo, go straight to summer, skip spring altogether. Do not collect $200.

When your kid has to dance to "mama he's making eyes at me", wearing a pink tie, and the teacher said 'smile'.

hen you open your 14 page heads of argument with 'what follows is a brief summary'

Son 1: (after reading first few pages of Julius Caesar) Is this even English? Me: Shakespeare thought so. Son 1: That guy's weird. Me: ...

That awkward moment when you call your boss a moneygrubbing manwhore. In the most polite way possible. To his face.

Radio host: 'If you put a live penguin in the salad of our MP for Environment, she probably wouldn't know what it is.' Best.dis.ever!

"CA-ster se-MEN-ya, boy can she run bra!" Me singing along to 'Circle of Life' #lionking #misheardlyrics #onlyasaffa

How does a BMW driver check his indicators are working? He double parks on a blind bend with his hazard lights on.

The best moments are when we laugh at our own silliness together #yogafail #igotstuck

So many puns, so little time #KFC

Try to push-start car. Get year's worth of exercise in one hour. Die. #screamingmuscles #kidsleftbootopen

Top tip: when you burn the fruit filling for the pie, hang up your apron & call it a day. Do NOT try and 'save' it. Have wine instead.