The only thing I like about Nike is their slogan. It's very motivational. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Okay, fine, I'll do it. I'll buy Adidas.

My parents were very poor when I was a kid. They couldn't afford to buy me toys. They just gave me a stick and told me to use my imagination. I imagined I had better parents.

My junk drawer is like a museum of things I thought I'd need someday.

my dream is to ride a giraffe. not on its back, but on its head. i want to feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face. i also want to see the fear in the eyes of my enemies.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

My car broke down in a tunnel today. It was dark and scary. I heard a voice say, 'Don't worry, I'm here to help you.' It was the devil.

If you cut a mullet, it grows back longer and more poverty-stricken.

had a shitty day: my Member's Only jacket caught fire while boiling hotdogs & my stepdad terry was making loud love to mom on our futon

The perfect plan includes health, wealth, love and perfect self-expression. This is the square of life, which brings perfect happiness.

— Florence Scovel Shinn

My cats don't realize how easily I could break their necks, but they also don't realize how easily they could break my heart.

Name can be blank Tried to take my komodo dragon to The Cheesecake Factory, for mother's day, they told me I couldn't come in without a shirt.

Name can be blank Is a long-necked mammal bogarting YOUR stash? Try sealing your shit in a bag or box. Those lanky potheads ain't got thumbs, so your troubles are over.

i just adopted a giraffe from the local shelter. he's very sweet and gentle. he also eats a lot of leaves. and by leaves, i mean weed

I once went on a camping trip with my best friend. We had a great time, until we encountered a pack of hungry wolves. They attacked us and tore him apart. I barely escaped with my life. I still miss him. He was a good friend. And a delicious snack.

Swifties are the only group that can turn a breakup song into a national anthem. 'We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together' – the official anthem of awkward family reunions.

If I like you, you need to work on yourself.

Happy Mothers Day Nick Cannon

parrots can talk and we’re all like oh sure that’s cool

I once had a tweet that got 12 likes. Eat that bitches!

5/17 • #Westminster #MD ▪︎ Me and my pals are putting perfectly-crafted jokes inside you and I want you there!!! Tell your friends and bitter enemies!