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I entered to win $30 tickets to @sixthemusicalUS at American Repertory Theater on TodayTix! Enter here: todaytix.com/x/boston/shows…

In an attempt to become more relevant in 2020, here’s a tweet 3yrs in the making. Let’s make some shit happen!

You ever go to a themed party at a bar and it immediately feels like you’re in a high school basement party? I’m at that party. Random guy with suspenders and all.

Excuse me Google WHO 👏🏼 GAVE 👏🏼 YOU 👏🏼PERMISSION 👏🏼 TO 👏🏼 DO 👏🏼 THAT 👏🏼 TO 👏🏼 ME 👏🏼 ON 👏🏼 A 👏🏼 SUNDAY 👏🏼 NIGHT 👏🏼 I 👏🏼 WAS 👏🏼NOT 👏🏼 READY #loretta 😭

If I’m not straight by the end of this half time show, did they even try? 🤷🏻‍♂️#superbowlliv #PepsiHalftime

Motion to finally stop pretending like the microphones actually work during the halftime show. Or replace them with those echo mics from the Dollar Tree. I’ll accept either. #PepsiHalftime

I wonder if Apple is regretting their “There’s an app for that” campaign rn #IowaCaucus

Truly, I’m just looking for a man who’s educated, has a good paying job, and looks like a Trader Joe’s employee.

Setting my alarm to “All I Want For Christmas” this morning might be the best decision I made in 2020. Waking up to that “ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding i-I-i-I-i-I...” was what I needed.

Am I the only one who believes a soul patch is never the right choice?

Dray Dinking. Part Deux.

Singers who can't sing are bad. Singers who can't sing but think they can are the worst.

"Did you know there's an app called Jew-Swipe? It's like Tinder, but for Jews!" Emily

A downside to walking through exhibits/aquariums/museums: you never know when you're going to walk through someone's second hand farts.

Turn down for what? Bitch...you got two kids at home! Look at your life. Look at your choices. #daltonlife

barbrastreisand, I've been working with your number one fan! She doesn't have Instagram or Twitter,… instagram.com/p/13FXVijThy/

I joined the lottery to see Fun Home for $32 tickets on TodayTix! Enter here: go.todaytix.com/TTFunHome

2016 was rough, but 2017 is catching up #RIPCokeZero