"Cunt, motherfucking wankstain asshole!" Said my wife as she stubbed her toe on the doorframe. I was impressed.

It's a Godfather Part II kinda day.

Did he just do a bellend in my coffee?

Big bag of Doritos for dinner 👍

Action shot from my last gig of last year.

Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary Wow... the place was still fairly decent back then.

Feels like years since I last tweeted about this. Is it still as much fun as it used to be? #fourinabed

Yeah I'll have that whole brekky in the yorkie pud. #fourinabed

Dunno about all that green stuff on the top. Green is not a breakfast colour. #fourinabed

He needs to say Barista Coffee a few more times... #fourinabed

was waiting for one of those nails to come off there. #comedinewithme

state of that microwave! Yak! #comedinewithme

"Not used to this length of time in the kitchen" Going by how utterly minging it is, we can tell. #comedinewithme

Beyond grubby... crusty residue! #fourinabed

How much??? That's a hell of an underpayment but they're charging way too much for that! #fourinabed

Fair play on the overpayment. That's great behaviour. #fourinabed

He's got the horn #comedinewithme

At #ComicCon at the Excel. Been in the queue for Alien Earth for an hour! Near the front. Some official lady said they need to "reset the tour" and put a group of six people in front of me.

Playing a festival. Five bands on the bill. We dropped our setlist into the group chat three weeks ago to ensure no duplication. Two other bands did the same. Second band just finished with our encore cover. 🙄

That Albie irritates me. He regularly interrupts Marina, but when she does the same, he tells her to let him finish. Practice what you preach. #JeremyVine