IM NOT GONNA LIE IM VERY UPSET I DIDNT MAKE THIS

I was at a wedding in Pakistan that was blown up by the United States government via drone. There was a guys foot in the cake! Anyway would love to come on the tonight show and tell the story. #weddingfail

ME: I mean yeah, sorta, but how often do you even find a good peephole? HER: I asked if you were a "people" person ME: Ohhh...definitely not

No wicked man could paint such a painting as this; and no good man would paint it, unless it were true

The Pussycat Dolls should have opened a tailor after their first album dropped. Supply and demand. Lots of loose buttons.

If I ran 4 president my entire campaign would be about shutting down every Papa Murphy’s on the planet because I think their business model is stupid as hell

HANDS DOWN the hardest game I played as a child was 2 truths and a lie. It would take me like 45 mins and I would still accidentally do 2 lies

I just tried to Open my garage door at the roundabout

Just saw Cavalia The Movie. 10/10 recomend.

Kony for president 2021. This time we got it in the bag

Can I build credit based on how quickly I pay my overdraft fees?

“borders and shading”

last night i threw up kale and i have never felt more like kevin form the office..

my dog has a much smaller appetite then the rest of my family, i’m beginning to think she is adopted ...

caught myself real singing “Jordans” by jacob this morning. got wayy embarrassed cause God heard that

i tell people that qualities i value in men/dating have changed since being divorced, but i don’t think they get it .. like i am moving “likes country music” and “swears sometimes” to the top of my list ..

i think i’m in love with my UPS guy.. like it’s all so sudden and soon- idk.. i just get this feeling when he rolls up that i can’t explain

key to happiness: throw away ur phone, shred ur copier, burn down ur high school

Barbara Bush set the standard for how to treat political rivals. By all accounts, Nancy Reagan was terrible to her & George but Barb always treated her with respect and deference. Bill Clinton unseated her husband and now she calls him her third son. RIP to a good lady.