Some dads are heroes, with many talents and abilities. And some can’t fucking wrap a present to save their life.

Dry January, but for my 5 year old’s bedsheets

The CDC says screen time is actually good for kids as long as the subtitles are on.

Today my 5 year old informed me that I scared the “crack” out of her. Teaching her the word “crap” would be better, right?

My super power is that I always pick the line that takes longer at the grocery store checkout.

Took my 5 year old daughter on an egg hunt today, it was awesome. The grocery store down the street from us had a dozen for $0.89. Daughter was not impressed.

My toddler just complained that the bath was wet. The parenting books really don’t prepare you for this shit.

5 yr old: Daddy, can I tell you a secret? Me: Sure honey, what is it? 5 yr old: *moves close to me, speaks in full volume while spitting into my ear*

Me: *coughing up a lung* Zoom: Oh hi! Do you wish to unmute your mic?

Parenthood is finding sand in your house when you don’t live anywhere near a beach.

Why do businesses still send emails to advertise that their website store is “open 24/7”? What year is it, 2002?

It was cute when my 3 year old was naming everyone in our family and included the dog. But then she finished with, “and Roomba” and I’m not sure how to feel.

Caught myself saying “let’s rock and roll” when it was time to leave somewhere and I guess I’m more of a dad than I ever thought I was.

Billion dollar idea: Closed captioning when toddlers are talking.

YouTube: Oh you’re watching a video for toddlers? Here, have a 7 minute and 40 second commercial for a personal injury attorney.

Whenever I look at the top 10 trending on Netflix it’s always like: 1. Haunted something or other 2. Serial killers 3. More murder 4-9. Some combination of the above 10. Cocomelon

As a parent, which is more terrifying: Painful screaming in the next room, or absolute silence?

Day 1 of trying Elf on the Shelf for the 1st time w/ my kids: I don’t see why people complain, this is kinda fun and cute. Day 12: Oh fucking fuck where do we put it now?

Just overheard my 6 y/o daughter tell my 3 y/o daughter, “pretend you don’t have powers.” I knew I lived with witches.

Shout out to all the parents who already forgot to move the Elf on Shelf.