[interrupts guy break dancing] can i have that cardboard im moving

[pulls a dildo out of my briefcase] your honor, if i may

[girl petting my dog] what's his name? [me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

[making small talk with my uber driver] do you like me

[holds a hotdog like a cigarette]

me: [trying not to think about the koolaid man during sex] her: oh yeah me: oh no oh fuck

[trying to see the job interviewer's notes about me] i bet you have nice hand writing

date: should we split an appetizer? me: [thinking about how girls like surprises] i have a gun

genie: [driving me to the airport] this guy sucks

sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested

If you wanna be my uncle / You gotta get with my aunt

annie are you ok / are you ok / are you ok annie you've been bit by / you've been nipped by / a huuuge labrador

[while getting pepper sprayed by the police] is this from hot ones

[catcher jogs out to pitcher's mound] hey man what wine pairs best with salmon

[handing a McDonald's manager a cheeseburger i made at home] check out my mixtape

[fruit starts falling from my ceiling] oh no my banandelier

[trying to convince my ex that I've matured] i don't use paper towels as plates anymore

me to my waiter: i think this needs more salt [slug in a chef hat comes out] wtf did you say

my kangaroo date: admit it, that's the only reason you invited me me: [trying to sneak a rotisserie chicken into a movie theater] it's not like that

[fantasy football group arguing over what embarrassing shirt last place has to wear] me: loser has to sneak a gun onto a plane