Texting football lingo to my daughter during NFL games so she can casually drop it on her boyfriend

People who run trust falls were dropped from corporate team building programs when the pandemic hit. Why? These crucial events are now held remotely, and virtual trust falls are known to harm employees, as well as the computer screens they plunge backwards onto.

My 90 y/o dad is awesome except he undoes my French Tuck every time I walk by his recliner :(

Just heard my husband on the phone say, “Yeah, I’m married up to my ears.”

“Six times four equals 24. Seems low”- MW

When I hear that we’re getting a wintry mix, I get happy cravings for road salt on Chex Mix and margarita glasses

Product idea for MAGA terrorists - Selfie Pepper Spray

“You don’t say” is an expression you can use to make talkers feel interesting

Hand model inadvertently embodies spread of Covid-19 to Greenland

Everybody has a favorite adhesive but no one has the balls to talk about it

“Walkie-talkie” is a term that gets more and more humiliating as you stare at it, especially the “walkie” part

Just opening a new book oh no

How to get off the phone with a narcissist: Don’t say, “I gotta go now.” This implies that you have something better to do. Expect a backlash. Instead say, “I guess I’ll hop off now.” This way, you’re a weak guesser/hopper and no one cares what you do next.

I’ve invented something called Reacting To My Own Texts. My daughter Greta really loved it, and so today I’m launching the idea to a broader audience.

I just heard someone say, “Retro is coming back.”

Last night, at a moron reveal party, I learned that a friend of mine isn’t going to get vaccinated