Flossed

Currently logged into the Moe’s Guest WiFi. Don’t tell anyone

Possible conversation between me and my kid in 14 years, “I think I want to go to college next year instead of workin” - kid “Are you kidding me?!? over my dead body!”

Suck it world, I have made child.

36 years old. First time at a pharmacy. Do I really hand them a piece of paper with some doctor scribble and they just give me drugs? Seems odd.

Pharmacy update. CVS didn’t have 1 of the meds, so they won’t give me both prescriptions. Seems suspicious. .

Chose group option for my #lyft and driver took other passenger and ditched me. I got charged $5. Took 1 min to dispute and was immediately refunded. Thanks Lyft , that was very easy! Wished I could have left the driver some feedback though

Making friends is harder than I thought. Wah wah wah.

Inversely, I think having a baby has made me more efficient at wiping my own butt.

Why do men have nipples and why do mine look so good?

TWO WEEKS! Mike Dunn w/The Damnwells, Joshua Fletcher, & Savannah! TICKETS: bit.ly/dworl

"I like as a sign of respect, you peed your pants" @michaelpdunn to Danny Leggett

Pastor with new, general knowledge of the Internet excited to use it as an analogy for Satan's attack on your "soul's aol account"

Stole someone's auto zone rewards card. #rebel

Things I've gotten on this resume in the 20 mins I've had it: iced coffee, rain, hot sauce, liiiiiitle bit of pee.

Maybe I should keep working for myself.

This gig is weak, but the wifi is strong.

Knock knock

I will now make some generic statements about the Super Bowl with intentions of retweeting them next year

FINALLY! A preview for that new Marvel movie. Looks badass