Everyone's head would explode if #MemoriesPizza donated some of the money raised to LGBT causes. Dana Loesch

#TheVoice is broadcast live, literally walking distance from my house but I have to wait 2 hrs to see it and stay off Twitter. #Spoilerssuck

Darren Sharper: Ex-NFL Player's Plea Deal for Rape Incld 9 Years in Prison, Penile Monitoring// So he goes to prison AND has to get married?

HOWIE. KENDRICK. #walkoff

Pretty sure no one saw this coming. click2houston.com/news/hcc-polic…

youtube.com/watch?v=fxCSy7… #Brilliant #ThereIsHope

Spot on. x.com/pattonoswalt/s…

Watching the coaches on #TheVoice struggle to find a new way to compliment is like me searching for new excuses for being fat. #metabolism

Worked hard on my "Dad Bod". Glad it's finally getting props. You're welcome. #dadbod

Beat that tribute, anybody. x.com/TheRealBuzz/st…

#NoBraDay is to promote breast cancer awareness. Now would be a good time for a dick joke: If you don't support #NoBraDay, you're a dick.

Twitter is the best training ground for editing jokes down to the meat. x.com/Playing_Dad/st…

I didn't know I was supposed to be afraid of skateboarders. My absence of fear is confirmed. #Cbridge x.com/JeaneanThomas/…

Winner Halloween 2015: x.com/senatorshoshan…

Ooh Rah x.com/SayHiJames/sta…

Excited to be the 6,168th backer on BackerKit for Micro Drone 3.0: Flight in th... | Thx Extreme Fliers! …the-palm-of-your-hand-2.backerkit.com/backers/3748675

How could a network not catch this? #EasterEgg #thefirst48 A&E

Still in line CVS Pharmacy 40 Minutes and counting. CVS pharmacy has to be the worst. #CVS

Congrats to the ponytailed young woman in seat 22B. You've invented a whole new way to be awful at 35,000 feet.

About as great a keynote address as I've ever heard today at LA Veterans Cemetery by LTG Rick Lynch. He charged us with a task, and I accept.