Drake has a bonsai tree and talks to it a lot.

Why did I wear a space suit to this job interview? Because it's 2016, pal. Where's YOUR space suit?

Have you heard what over 7 billion people have never heard!? It's my band! The DROiDS! thedroids.bandcamp.com ♪└|∵|┐♪└|∵|┘♪ #SynthRock

Gwyneth Paltrow's assistant, get Gwyneth Paltrow some of Gwyneth Paltrow's breast milk to nourish Gwyneth Paltrow's skin � Gwyneth Paltrow

sorry you saw me put a roof guard in my mouth before eating pizza and now no other man will ever be good enough for you

You know you're in love when you no longer spend life waiting to die but instead waiting to see who dies first.

*accepts warm fresh food from the kindly free samples lady at CostCo* what trickery is this you conjuring she-devil

I like my coffee like I like my women, I don't know anymore

the great thing about books is that when I die whoever finds my body weeks later will think I was smart

Art Rock? Synthwave? Indie Rock? Prog-Rock? Electronic Super Backflip Mustard Rock!? It's my band. The DROiDS! TheDroids.bandcamp.com

God's not dead, He just called a cab in the middle of the night without leaving behind His number.

oh don't mind me, crying on the treadmill is actually an important part of my training. not all marathons are physical after all.

throw a penny in a well and you can wish to be free; throw all material possessions away and you can realize freedom is an illusion.

im on a "seafood" diet... its all seafood, very healthy.

the dogs in soldiers coming home videos are in abusive relationships and they should be with me instead

@msnoelable I know. I'm really rocking the boat right? 😌

what's the emoji for my sense of self is disintegrating

Sometimes when a person talks too much I imagine myself spraying Raid on them.

[at Starbucks] Yes I'll have a tall nonfat maypaquiatto lmfao

Wallmarts younger indie brother Wallmartyr is overpriced and the quality is frankly not worth the extra penny.Their mother Wallmartha agrees