Girls looking for new gym clothes: "Oh hey this is cute!" Guys looking for gym clothes: "Where's a shirt that I can cut off?"

Life is like a penis: very simple, relaxed, and just hanging there... it's women who make it hard.

#3290: Only short-sighted people think their glory days are over after college. #brotips

My entire life is just me "winging it"

Very few people get laid by telling a girl you follow them on Instagram. #brotips

One way to impress a man? Learn to drive stick shift.

Play with her boobs, not her heart.

Dear Santa, I've been good all year. OK most of the time. Once in a while. Fuck it I'll buy my own shit

If you're going to sext someone, do it while drunk. Sober regrets > drunk regrets. #brotips

Chivalry isn't dead...

@SCoomtown lemme know when and I'll see if I can't make it down for a beer or two man!

@SCoomtown dude no joke. Crazy how you can randomly run into someone like that

@SCoomtown haha took the long way around to figuring that out but the fact that it came up like that is amazing!