(Widower Borat) my…wife…

i used to be small like you. then i got huge (flexing the softest muscle youve ever seen)

my newborn just said he's "Going 1 years old mode" and then he turned 1

The Mandela effect subreddit is great because it's just an echo chamber of people angrily saying that no one will ever change their mind about shit that is like, very easy to find evidence of by going to the grocery store.

um it's actually called the Mandel Effect? After Howie Mandel? Surely you've known about this?

Back when Price Chopper Radio graced the aisles 24 hours a day, the stock room is where we had it all, after hours, beyond the pale, against the laws of nature & man

thinking about going viral from a tweet like "girls be having candles" and developing a psychosis

every Vinyl Williams song feels like being stuck in a checkout line that you can't leave

hoping to evolve into a bug next year from my current form, amoeba who floats in goop

getting kicked out of the barbershop for asking them to fade my neckbeard

Rational discourse about turd physics in Cities Skylines

if you ever go to a youtube page for a classical music song there are always three comments. "this is the greatest song in the history of music," something about the guy being depressed or having gone insane from late stage syphilis, and "come play for us in my country"

personal growth is going from listening to grindcore to yacht rock over a 10 year period

y’all y’all’st y’all’st’d y’all’st’d’ve y’all’st’d’ving

Ron Quixote

If you want to slam dunk on a dude with long hair and a denim jacket just tell him he looks like Bob from Twin Peaks and he won't sleep that night

*tips cowboy hat* m'pardner

whenever I go on break I stand in a huddle but it's just me there. i go "aaaaaand BREAK", clap a few times and jog into the distance. why did my wife leave

Worked through lunch instead of eating anything. OSHA sent armed thugs to my house to force feed me grain mash like a foie gras goose