Every window in Chesham is coated in a layer of Haribo. This goes a long way towards explaining why Cheshamites like licking them so much.

It's an unwritten agreement that loudly singing "do you want to build a snowman" in any pub in Chesham will get you free drinks all night.

For ⅔ of staff of Chesham Sainsbury's, today is the first they've seen of natural sunlight in over a decade. The remaining ⅓ stayed indoors.

If Chesham were a Monopoly board, the car would be stolen, the iron never used, and every dice roll would land you in Circle 7.

Of the 40 known candle-lit vigils in honour of Sainsbury's being shut, 25 have escalated into bins being set fire to. Force of habit.

The native Cheshamite can only recognise the price of a product in a shop when (and only when) it's displayed on a 'reduced' sticker.

Cheshamites struggle making Vine videos. 6 seconds is often too much to ask; most can only last 4 (in both sex and full-time employment)

Cheshamites share a genetic mutation that causes nausea and loss of motor skills at the slightest suggestion that it may be their round.

How many Cheshamites does it take to change a lightbulb? None. The town is in agreement that it's best if the lights are left off.

In Chesham, the bees actually do have knees (if by ‘bees’ we actually mean ‘over 40s men in bumble-bee onesies’, of which we have plenty)

“Heat bumps/rashes in Chesham are often treated by doctors the same as the bubonic plague..... just in case....” (via Knight Man OBE)

85% of all England flags displayed in Chesham are actually tea towels. The remaining 15% are actually pub garden serviettes.

The Sainsbury’s refurb came at a heavy price: it may look prettier but the fresh-baked choc chip cookies now taste like shite. #realtalk

74% of Cheshamites believe the England flag actually has the words ‘The Sun’ printed on the bottom.

85% of Cheshamites with gym memberships tend to leave the gym less sweaty and better smelling than when they walked in.

Google has announced new wearable tech for use in Chesham: Google Arse is designed to translate spoken Cheshamite into Queen’s English.

No Chesham resident has ever successfully put up a set of shelves; use of the term "nailed it" is forbidden until this changes.

Cheshamites are 75% less likely than the rest of the UK to ever get food stuck in their teeth (it's difficult to do with only one tooth)

73% of Cheshamites are now blind. Not because of the eclipse, but because they're still drunk from last night.