Shit just at the bar with my slime. Rick Owen boots. Amiri. Coolin.

Yo teller, bring your mitt.

Bruins would fire em all

I’ll be in the gym for the next 90 minutes if anyone wants to FaceTime me to watch some unreleased clips from Gladiator II

I thought this was a robot. Safe to say I’ll probably never be allowed in Carbone ever again. #TheReturn

Stripper told me I had closed body language. Uh yeah you have a tattoo from your ankle to your ribs beat it

Day fucking ruined

What are you doing as a grown man tip toe jogging through the rain

This new generation of high school kids is fucking insane. Went to lifetime to dust off the ole kicks. 3rd game in and a 15y/o with a perm, a prime, and 1 AirPod in the whole game calls me a pussy for throwin the ball off his leg b4 I fell out of bounds. Back to treadmill for me.

I played today too. Local Lifetime. Cardio and compete was there. Shot, handles, passes, and footwork wasn’t. Got called a pussy by a kid who can’t even drive yet and my team played with AirPods in. 5 games and 0-points allowed though in my Cloudmonsters. Can’t teach that shit.

If I hear that dickhead ceo from Bilt Rewards say “it’s not a revolutionary idea” on my fyp one more time the app is deleted and I short bilt rewards and hope that guy turns into a Billy McFarland. I don’t care how good the points are that ad needs to be burned Ankur Jain

Was talking to some girl at an nyc club a while back. Good looker of course (I lived on Eaton in ‘22). After the convo died I asked her to tell me something about herself. Told me she had a 2y/o kid. I was so caught off guard I told her that was so baller. Still wonder about her.

Big idiot next to me on the train just lost his arm rest for the Stamford to Boston leg of this trip. Don’t sneeze next time. Eat or be eaten on the Amtrak. Everyone knows that. I’ll piss myself before I let this guy get his position back.

SNL with Shane Gillis and Tate McRae is every 20-28 year old white male with 2 roommates a summer home and grandparents in a golf community in Naples Florida’s Super Bowl. One hour of “He’s so funny” and “She’s so fucking hot” behind a coffee table of empty cans, zyns, and a bong

If I was a janitor I’d 1.) Probably have an eerily similar life to Will Hunting 2.) Be picketing outside of the Zyn HQ everyday. I haven’t seen a urinal without a zyn in it in 6 years. There can’t be a guy on the planet who hates zyn more than a janitor.

Lot of people ask me if I like living alone. I just ate dinner right out of the air fryer basket. Steak and potatoes. No one said a word.

Jokic just made a pass and my dad who only watches Boston sports said “fahk nice pass that fat fucks pretty good what’s his name? Is he bettah than Tatum?”

My favorite bit is taking a girl out on a date and if she acknowledges the restaurant with “it’s nice or it’s cool” I say “yeah no it’s sweet I bring all my dates here.” It never lands but I can’t stop myself from doing it. Once I get invited on a double date it’s gonna smash.