When you’re sleep and you think you hear a murderer break in, but you remember you dont have to got to work if you’re dead

Some things are better left alone. Like me, for instance.

Aunty: that’s your 4th slice of cheesecake. me:

“I hope you don’t mind, but I picked up pecan pie instead of cheesecake” me:

I love nature this time of year.

I need something that’s more than coffee but less than cocaine.

you’ve heard of elf on a shelf now getting ready for…

It feels like things got so bad they stopped making Black Mirror.

me after eating a CBD cheesecake with 40% THC

Farting at the covid test line to see who lost their sense of smell.

once you learn how to cook & masturbate, a relationship really seems a bit unnecessary.

gf: come over me: can’t, snowstorm. gf: I’m wearing edible cheesecake panties.

gf: let’s go out. me: cant. Budgets tight gf: how tight?

Adulthood is wild. One day you get a little sleepy and then stay that way for the rest of your life

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you have zero chance with Jason Momoa.

When i see a grown man eating pumpkin pie

Listen, you get 4 free sniffles around me before I ask “coke or covid”?

please use a condom on valentines. We got enough scorpios 😑 -earth

It’s tax refund season. I know you’re missing the beach, but you’re also missing a tooth. Let’s be wise this year.