Googling 'how to remove chewing gum from a keyboard' and just making things worse

I'm more poutine now than man; bloated and sweating

Had a mid-life, mid-pandemic crisis and formed a band. Maybe take a break from the horribleness of Twitter and have a listen to our first single? songwhip.com/magicmountains… BONUS: Any follows on Spotify would surely make these 4 old men smile into their soup…

This might be the beer talking but you are about the sexiest driving instructor I've ever had

Sorry honey, no gifts this year. As you know money is tight and I spent our savings on 8 purebred huskies to pull my Segway through the snow

Cruise Ship Log, Day 92. The food long gone, we've begun eating the steel drum band. Though nourished, we are no longer feeling hot hot hot.

Starting a one-man jazz band (it’s just me throwing boxes of silverware down the stairs)

@Prof_Hinkley dude, not cooul

No electric rooster men doing pull-ups allowed

I love the smell of napalm in the morning which is why they don’t let me plan the church breakfast anymore

*shouts over music* I MODERATE A D&D MESSAGE BOARD WANNA GO BACK TO MY PLACE AND "GAIN SOME EXPERIENCE POINTS”? *makes hip-thrusting motion*

If Turtle Wax isn’t made from real turtles then what the hell have I been putting on my toast all these years

Obviously this cat thinks I won't punch a cat

I've got an iron will and brass balls and nerves of steel and a lead foot and a heart of gold and a case of severe metal poisoning

Peeing freely in the great outdoors is the best thing about camping in the Walmart parking lot.

Used a baseball bat to chase away some Jehovah’s Witnesses who were cleverly dressed as young girls trying to sell cookies.

Of all the Costcos, in all the towns, in all the world, she had to walk into this one and catch me guzzling bottles of ranch dressing